Musings of a Croydon Shadow

Loneliness is the price i pay to do the things i like

2011-07-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

I enjoy many things. Music, comedy, good dining and other kookie things that the time out website informs me that is going on. However, i dont have many friends who share similar interests. So if i would like to attend a music concert, comedy gig or go for a nice meal, i have to go it alone. The reason i dont have many friends is not because i am a particularly terrible person, i consider myself quite well liked by the people who know me. It is because i dont make the effort to keep close friends. In secondary school I didnt have any close friends because i lived far from the school and didnt socialise with my peers after school. So I left secondary school with no close friends and never have been in a close friendship. Since then, ive never reay found anyone who ive really bonded with. Ive witnessed some great events and enjoyed some great experiences, but have been regreatful that they were on my own. I do enjoy my own company and the freedom it gives me. Id just sometimes like someone to hear my sarcastic remarks.

Hitting 25, hitting 3 years, giving up the booze. Still on the fish

2011-06-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

Whats the agenda?

This month I became 25. Next month will be 3 years since my first stand up gig. I cant remember the last time i had alcohol and I think the last time i was drunk was in Edinburgh last summer. Im still serving fish to the public but am now at Tesco.

Turning 25 was no big occasion. I neither se myself as young or old. I think age is seriously misunderstood by most people. I dont think i am the person i am going to be in 10 years time. I think i will be less cock sure of myself.

3 years in comedy and most of those who started at the same time or are at a similar age have passed me by and gone onto pastures new. I am bitter about this. Not to say im not happy for others, but my own success will always be at the forefront of my mind. Why havent I done so well.

- I havent gigged as much

- I havent written brilliant material

- My act is not consistent enough for promotors to book me.

If im honest, ill probably only work on the 2nd one. I dont enjoy gigging the open mic circuit in London, and tend to only do the gigs I like, so plan A is to strengthen my set. Im not particularly bothered that my act isnt consistent, i like that it is exciting in its ability to go tits up. The clubs that want consistency arent the clubs I aspire to perform at.

I still get lovely comments from audience members and comics who I believe genuinely like what I do and im proud of what ive managed to achieve. I still dont know what I intend on getting at the end of my comedy journey, but at the moment I guess im just cruising along waiting for something to hit me. A comic said to me "you know that feeling you got when you first stormed a gig.....it soon goes doesnt it". Hes right. Ill never get that same buzz. I think ive peaked really. Thats not to say there arent new and wonderful experiences ahead. Ive just got to wait for them.

Realizing stuff is depressing

2010-09-23T15:52:00.000-07:00

Coming up with new material that I am happy with is hard. But that is why I do it. Because when I eventually do create something that im proud of i can say that i worked hard for it. If it was easy, i wouldnt get the same sense of self satisfaction. In edinburgh, i was told by a comic whom i respect very much and like as a person that im going to be alright. He could sense that I was felt hard done by because all my hard work seemed to amount to a small amount of progression. He told me that working on my comedy and being more focused on myself is the best way of achieving whatever I want. I have potential, i am funny and this is all i need to focus on. Everything else that surrounds comedy is irrelevant. The progression of others, the promoters who wont book you, the competitions you dont win, the crapy comedy nights you do are all part of it and you just need to except them. For a long time I didnt want to except them, i wanted to believe that if you worked hard, did well at gigs that progression would follow. In time it will, but you have to except that time is the one thing you cant control. So you need to focus on the things you can control.

Ive got a nice set that im proud of, but i need to try more stuff out. Ive got some stuff that is really out there and im not sure if it will work, but i guess that is the gamble you have to make. Ive been putting off trying it out as im scared its going to die on its arse, but i need to grow some balls and just do it.

I have lost all love I have for this country, i think i might even detest it. I find myself trying to avoid people, whereas I was normally a very out going person with people, ive found im more quiet and reclusive. Im not sure how im going to change this. Im aware of it. Maybe ill take up yoga. Or Yogurt. Not been a big yogurt eater. I always pass it in the supermarkets along with the milk. Nope, ill just get my cheese and butter and its off to the next isle for me. Yogurt? When am I going to eat that? After dinner? As a dessert? Dessert should be an indulgence. Yogurt is not an indulgence. Its a bacteria. I like cheesecake. Dont know what my favorite dessert is. Maybe cheesecake. I like a nice cheese board, but thats not a dessert. Thats a cheese board.

Very Funny Looking Woman

2010-06-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

> Subject: Re: Awards application via website
> Date: Tue, 8 Jun 2010 13:27:36 +0100
>
> Dear Darren
>
> thanks very much for your application but the Funny Women competition is for
> women only.
>
> best wishes
>
> Lucy

---------------------------

From: Darren Maskell

To: lucy@funnywomen.com

Sent: Tuesday, June 08, 2010 5:35 PM

Subject: RE: Awards application via website

I am a woman

-------------------------------

Sent:	09 June 2010 09:54:23
To:	Darrenmaskell
Cc:	'Lucy Timms' (lucy@funnywomen.com)

Darren – hi there. I am the producer of Funny Women and just want to clarify this situation. The name of ‘Darren’ is usually a man’s name and we took the precaution of checking your profile on Comedy CV before Lucy responded.

If you are transgender and now living as a woman, please advise. We do accept post-operative entries.

All best – LYNNE.

------------------------------------

I will not be taking this any further. If i was to turn up to the heat claiming to be a post op, would they demand to see my va jay jay?

I think the funny woman competition does the opposite of what it claims it is intending to do. i feel it only distances women comics from males and segregates them into a group. People say that we need to encourage women to go into stand up comedy. No. We need to encourage people. People who take an interest in comedy. If a person is interested in comedy, they will take that leap. i feel that women in this age dont need to be patronized and if they are intimated because of their gender, that isnt because they are a woman, its because they are a pussy.

Daniel Kitson, you mind fuck

2010-06-05T14:44:00.000-07:00

Cant believe it. I saw Daniel Kitson tonight and was having a lovely time until half way through the show he started talking about how he has managed to construct the perfect technique to running both a good level and temperature for his bath. I had posted in a previous post how I had con-sided constructing a piece on this very same notion. Happens that Kitson has done it long before me. The whole show was brilliant, but I couldnt stop thinking about my comedy for he rest of the night. What material is there left to write that hasnt been touched on before? How do i make sure im not just treading on already trodden ground?

Ive always tried to be as unique as possible, but tonight just made me more anxious about being accused of just mirroring someone else. The only conclusion I could come up with was to write stuff that is viewed through my own unique outlook. Try and show people how I see things.

I had a Mcdonalds today, the first in a while. I remember that the meals were never filling, but had a certain aroma that was fairly tasty. This meal was just terrible. The burger was flavorless. I really dont know why anyone goes in there anymore. It used to be cheap and convenient, but with so many more options available and at cheaper prices, i fail to see how Mcdonalds will keep sales up. At the moment, I think its heavily reliant on peoples mentality that its still a cheap and easy option. Its hard to snap people out of a mind set.

Better than Sainsburys

2010-06-04T12:17:00.000-07:00

I was putting out some salmon that I had prepared and a customer told her friend 'The salmon here is so much better than Sainsburys". I dont know if she did it so i would purposely hear. She might have wanted to compliment the salmon, without actually having to confront me. To be honest, I do like it when people say they have enjoyed the fish, however I do feel guilty in receiving compliments. Unless its on how well ive prepared the fish, the quality of the fish isnt down to me. Its sent in, and i prepare it. If it is low quality fish, there is no way I can magically turn it into good fish. So i a way, the customer is just saying "thanks for not selling me substandard fish."

Im going to see Daniel Kitson tomorrow. Hopefully he wont want me to give up because of how good he is.

Its my birthday on 15th of june and i have booked a trip to Blackpool with my mate James Barber. (Hello James!) I enjoy spending time with James as we are both like minded chaps. Not that we have many things in common, more that we have the same philosophies and opinions. We see the world through similar eyes. I think I will enjoy Blackpool for its imperfections and its ability to reflect Britain and its flaws. I wouldnt mind taking in a nice quiz night whilst im there. The chap at the bed and breakfast seemed very friendly and gave me lots of advise about booking attractions. I hope there is a dog at the b and b.

On the telly at the moment, Waitrose have an ad campaign with a tv chef where he shows you how to cook a lemon tart. In the advert he recommends you use coins on the parchment to weigh down the dough during baking. I was watching the advert today and my mother pointed out that they have cut out this part. Do you reckon they have had complains from people who have hurt themselves from misunderstanding what the coins are used for?

Progression

2010-05-29T01:13:00.000-07:00

Ive discovered a love for sardines and mackerel on top of pizzas. Fish on pizzas. Its the way forward.

I did a gig at downstairs at the kings head. Its such a good night sometimes you forget that anyone can get a gig there and one guy got up and just told people what irritated him such as the go compare adverts and the crazy frog and then the punch-line was telling his annoyances to 'Fuck off'. He ended his set with "i heard this joke the other day and thought it was good, so im going to tell you it" and proceeded to tell a very old school style joke about wanking. It was baffling. I had a lovely gig and Peter the promoter was kind enough offer me another gig on one of the more establish nights. Although he did comment he felt he might be taking a risk with my act as he hadnt seen me do longer than a 5 minute spot and doesnt know if my style of comedy can hold an audience for longer sets. Im glad he had enough confidence thoe to still book me and its a nice compliment that a top promoter can see some talent in Me. He wouldnt take a big risk and he is a promoter that thinks of his audience and books acts who he knows can deliver guaranteed laughs.

I think I might write something about measures and levels. I know exactly how much cordial I need to make the desired strength that I like. Ive managed to work out the required level of water needed in the bath so it doesnt spill over when i get in, also the times when I should turn the hot and cold tap on to get the best temperature. I start with both on, more of the hot tap thoe, then I turn the cold tap off. Then I might brush my teeth or have a shave whilst im waiting for it to fill up, or I might even get in and let it fill up around me thus avoiding it spilling over the sides. Cooking cheese on toast is also an art form. I first crisp the bread in the toaster then place it in the grill with the cheese in the center of the bread so the cheese melts and spreads out and doesnt spill over the edges.

In my 23 years on this earth I guess Ive been washing myself (unsupervised) for 17 years now, but im still not sure how much shampoo I need to use. I have concluded that if I want my hair at its most manageable I need to wash it 2 days before and then leave it unwashed for 2 days.

I activated an online e bond with nationwide. £500 at about 2%. Matures in November.

New chair sends my nuts asleep

2010-05-09T12:32:00.000-07:00

Got a new 'chair' for my desk. Its a kneeling stool. More of a cushion. Its suppose to be better for posture. It makes my nuts fall asleep. Ive broken 3 hangers which ive stepped on because ive left them on the floor of my room.

Whole Seabass is on offer at Morrisons at 1/3 off. Not selling as much as predicted. My curiosity to try jellied eels is getting stronger. They look revolting. So why do I want to try them? Maybe this could be a new marketing ploy for food companies who find it hard to make food look appetizing. Make it look revolting and it will intrigue people into trying it.

Ive written a new joke. Im worried about trying it as two types of moron will misunderstand the joke. One type of moron will think im being racist and love the joke for the wrong reason, and one type of moron will think im racist and take offense. I might only ever use the joke when im certain the audience will get the purpose of it.

Speaking of racism, I have to deal with racist old people at work. Many elderly customers come in and speak to me, and spout their views and i have to smile and agree out of politeness.

My life has turned into one of sleep depravation, a feeling of under appreciation, life uncertainty, bitterness, creative boredom, sluggishness, internet dependancy, social and romantic loneliness. I was hoping most of those would fuel my creative endeavors, but sometimes you can just go on in a mundane existence and not see the funny side of it.

Mondays are made for fresh starts and Monday mid mornings are made for rescheduling fresh starts for the next week.

Toilets and Bees

2010-04-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

As a gaze from my window at number 9 Midholm road, I notice a toilet in the skip. The residents of number 9 have been there for a few months now and are refurnishing the house. The previous occupier was an old man called Andrew. He must have spent allot of hours on that toilet over the years. Over our life span we accumulate allot of time on the toilet. Ive lived in 6 different homes over my 23 years of existence. Do we have a loyalty to our toilets? Obviously, we prefer to use our own toilets to public ones because they are cleaner, but our own toilets are no cleaner to say our friends toilet. So why do we feel more comfortable using our own toilet to theirs? Thinking on this subject ive concluded that the most vulnerable we feel is when we are in the toilet and because we do it so often we have programmed ourselves to create a safe environment for ourself. This being, your own toilet. When we are taken out of that safe environment, we are just left with the vulnerable situation. When people talk about going to your 'happy place', this may well be your toilet.

My great uncle Ernie died. They found him in the garden and he died of a heart attack. They found a bee sting on him, but they dont know if this is related. I think I would like to die of a bee sting. There is something quite romantic about it. So if I do die of a bee sting, you can say 'Its the way he would have wanted to go'. I should also use this opportunity to put in writing that my funeral song will be 'you'll have time' by William Shatner.

Apologies for lack of posts

2010-04-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

Cod was half price last week. The sales target was £4,700. Totally smashed it at around £5,700. Boo yeah!

Played trivial pursuit on the wii the other night with my mum. She had all the wedges and just needed to get to get to the centre of the board, but I came back from only having 3 out of 5 wedges to beat her. It was nice to sit in the front room and have an evening with my mother. I dont usually sit with her because she watches soaps. I say dont watch them, but if you asked me to tell you the current plot lines to any of them, I could probably tell you.

My break in comedy was interrupted by a random email from someone at a literary and talent agency who said that they saw me perform at a gig and are interested in knowing what I am doing. Even if nothing progresses of this, its nice to get some recognition of my comedy and the thought that my writing could progress to something further.

My car goes in for its MOT tomorrow. It doesnt have a left wing mirror, but i dont think you can fail for that.

Got a photo shoot with Hatty Ashdown on Sunday for our edinburgh show 'Ashdown and Maskell's Trade show'. A chance to be creative with how they turn out.

Asda dont seem to care. They say they do, but I dont see any effort

2010-03-21T10:12:00.000-07:00



----Your Original Comments Were----

Your Asda email contact form submission

Submitted: Sun Mar 21 10:30:02 UTC 2010

From: darren maskell

Email: darrenmaskell@hotmail.co.uk

Telephone: 

Subject: Product quality

Store Name: wallington

Enquiry:
I purchused some tins of your smart price sardines in tomato sauce at you wallington branch. I have no problems with the quality of the contents of the product and I found the price very reasonable. However, i find it very difficult to open the tins with a can opener. I have broken two can openers attempting to open the tins and find it very dangerous attempting to open the tins, what with the sharp edges. I understand that to keep costs low, a ring pull might not be an option, but I urge you to look into the design of the can.

Much love

Darren Maskell

-------------

Thank you for your message.

Thank you for contacting us about the sardines you bought from your local store.

I'm sorry to hear that you found our packaging difficult to open. I can imagine how annoying this must have been for you.

We do everything we can to make sure the products you buy from us are in excellent condition, and I'm sorry this wasn't the case for you. We do insist our suppliers have strict quality control systems in place and inspect these regularly to make sure they're working. If something does go wrong we always want to look into it so it doesn't happen again. 

Once again, I'm sorry you've had cause to complain about the product but I hope this letter goes some way to assuring you that we're taking your complaint seriously and hope that you'll continue to shop with us and enjoy the products you buy.

--------

How the fuck do I get my sardines?

The Week when Salmon was 1/3 off

2010-03-14T13:59:00.000-07:00

Did you get any Salmon?

Whole seabass is half price at £1.50 each as of tomorrow. I find seabass very over rated, but has become very trendy because of programs like come dine with me and celebrity chefs using it. Im more of a fan of oily fish such as Mackerel and sardines. Rich in omega 3 and cheap as chips.

Going back to the topic of come dine with me. It seems the menu seems to follow the same theme. Scollops for starter, fillet steak for mains and spiced pears or some boozy ice cream for dessert. These are very hard dishes to get right and can be easily critiqued. If I was to go on the program, I would give the guests lots of booze, charm them with my wit and give them nice wholesome foods to make their bellies full. i would probably do my specialty chili con carne. My secret is to use cinnamon and cook it 2 days previously to let the flavors of the spices ferment in the fridge.

Sprats go off offer as of tomorrow (at last).

My cat went to the vets and now has a cone on its head. It likes me scratching its head. I like being needed.

Ive been eating allot of chocolate recently. I like boost bars, topics and kit kat chunkys. When I was at university i used to base my chocolate choice on which one in the vending machine I thought would accidently vend two.

How often do you need to wash your dressing gown. I think i prefer it dirty. It smells of me.

The winding down of my comedy endeavor

2010-03-08T10:03:00.000-08:00

I sat at a table in a service station somewhere near Brentford surrounded by empty sachets of vinegar and the sound of a business man complaining about his substandard fish and chips in pissed stained trousers. This was one of the loneliest and depressing moments of my life. Its the moment I decided that I was going to concluded my adventure into comedy and move on the pastures new. This happened last night. I should regale you with my tale.

The evening started with myself intending to drive from Croydon to Newport Pagnell for a comedy gig which had Nick Helm and Daniel Smith performing. I enjoy both these acts so I was looking forward to watching them. I had planned to pick up Daniel and Nick at Archway on route. Traffic was horrendous and 2 hours from setting off from Croydon I was still in Putney dying for a piss. I couldnt wait anymore and i relieved myself in a red bull can. Impossible you may say? Yes. I could only make it to Richmond till I had to conceded defeat. I felt so bad that I had let Dan and Nick down. They later told me that they got to the gig on time by catching the train, which im glad about. At Richmond I turned round to head back to Croydon. 5 minutes into the journey i hit a curb down a little side road and punctured a tire. My spare was fucked. I called breakdown cover and waited. The breakdown man was a very nice chap whom i bonded over football with. It made me remember how much I miss football in my life. The nice breakdown man had to finish at 9pm thoe and had to drop me off at a service station, for me to wait for another breakdown man to come and pick me and my car up and take me back to Croydon. In the service station I came to realize that running around performing 5 and 10 minute spots isnt what I enjoy. I enjoy writing comedy and the only thing in comedy that I look forward to is Edinburgh, where ive got a show to play with. So ive cancelled all my gigs and will concentrate on writing for Edinburgh.

I started comedy to try and see if I could write a solid 5 minutes, because that is what all the comics seemed to say was important in starting out. What I learnt was that the comics with solid 5's tended to have just that and never achieved the ability to write longer sets. A solid 5 is miles different from a 15 or 20 minute set. A 15- 20 set doesnt even have to be solid to be good, it can be loose, but still brilliant. I want to be able to be like the great storytellers like Stewart Lee, Daniel Kitson and David Cross. When someone asks me to tell them a joke, i want to answer "I wont tell you a joke, but here is a story."

Im going to miss the Comedy circuit, and there is a buzz from a good gig. But the rest will do me good, and hopefully make me a more tolerable person.

From Wednesday, Salmon fillets are 1/3 off in Morrisons

Computers

2010-03-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

There will be some conversations that you will dread coming up, for the fact you have no input and no interest in. For me, I fear the games console topic cropping up. I do not play on an xbox, wii or playstation 3, they do not appeal to me. Thats not to say I havent enjoyed games consoles in the past. In fact, I owe my one and only bonding experience with my sister to us playing 2 player mode of the ren and stimpy game on sega mega drive. We would always complete it. This was when I was about 9. Then throughout high school I would disregard my studies in favour of the evil 5 (The Sims, championship manager 00/01, flight simulator, mindmaze and rollercoster tycoon). If you are not familar with these games, let me give you a lowdown.

The Sims- A life simulation game. You create a family, and run their lives. I would care for these people more than actual people. I guess I felt their achievements were my own. It was actually very rewarding building up relationships with other computer characters. Wait, did i say rewarding? I should of said hollow and meaningless. I bloody loved it.

Championship manager 00/01- A football manager game. Again, the success of my football team, was a reflection on my own success. Success? I meant to say sadness. I remember that buying Viktor Leonenko was always a wise move and my proudest moment was in the season of 2010 when I was manager of Oxford Utd I managed to sign Ryan Giggs on a free transfer.

Flight Simulator- Sitting in my pants, bleary eyed at 4 o'clock in the morning thinking to myself that flying from heathrow to Mataveri International airport would be my greatest achievement is sadly not the most depressing moment of my life.

Mindmaze- When kids didnt have wikipedia for coursework cheating they had microsoft encarta. When kids didnt have youtube to distract them, they had mindmaze.

Rollercoaster Tycoon- Why go to a theme park, when creating one and managing it is so much more fun. My favorite part was employing the cleaners and delegating them each their own areas to clean. I prided my park on its ability to clean any visitors sick within 10 seconds of its production.

So you can see that through my teenage years I used the success of my computer character to gain any self worth as I didnt achieve anything in my own life.

2010-02-26T10:54:00.000-08:00

Back on the fish counter and this week its sprats on offer at £1.99 a kilo. At that price, its hard to keep up with the demand. Sprats are baby sardines and are a meatier whitebait.

I managed to bag a last minute spot at downstairs at the kings head last night, so I decided to try and practice a new opening that ive only done twice before. Im really please with the response its getting. When I did it at comedy cafe, one audience member said that it had him pissing himself, and last night one guy said that it was the highlight of the evening. I may have something. After the gig I was on the victoria to brighton train where I was to alight at East Croydon. Walking down the carriage were the Brighton based comics Robin Buckland and Sean Walsh. I thought to myself 'they must be going home to Brighton from a gig in London'. I bet my thought was correct. But this made me think of comedy in Brighton. Nick Helm had told me on sunday that I should gig in Brighton as he has had his best gigs there. Im curious as to what Brighton comedy, its comedians and its scene is like. My experience of London is that it seems to be broken up into cliques. I was going to describe these clique in more detail, but James Acaster advised me not to. He said he worried for my mental health, and posting such a blog would destroy me. James seems to be very insecure about his act, and when I joke about with him, he gets very defensive. Id like to think this is because he respects my own act and thus respects my opinion. However, I think it is more likely that its his need to be loved by everyone (which he is).

Mark Cornell was the latest person to admit to being a fan of this blog. Im getting more and more people admitting to being avid readers, and im glad people are enjoying my musings. I set it up to help me with my own writing. The fact that anyone bothers to read it and gets some sort of worth from it is lovely. Who else reads this? Who are you? I wonder who you are. I feel you hold power over me. You read my musings under a darkened cloak.

Id like to be the friendly man on the train who brightens someones day

2010-02-18T14:05:00.000-08:00

Sorry people, no fish news for you as ive been off work this week. Did go to win yip and bought a nice big bit of skate (ray wings), which was about £3.49 a kilo.

Had a lovely gig at the lions den on tuesday and an even better gig at the comedy cafe on wednesday. Im going to mark Wednesdays gig as a landmark in my comedy endeavor. As, I came to terms with my own comedy and everything that was bothering me about the circuit didnt matter anymore as I came to a realization. I cant tell you what this realization is unfortunately. Sometimes its not always best to be honest, and in this instance Im afraid you will have to take comfort in the fact that I am now at peace with all my comedy demons.

I had a lovely day out with my pal James Barber today. It started in leicester square where ben and jerrys were giving away free ice cream. We then had the pizza hut buffet. (no one is a winner in the pizza hut buffet). Then on to the trocadero for games and fortune telling. Then a browse around Hamleys, where I was strangely hypnotized by the marbles.

For some reason, i really wanted to talk to strangers on public transport today. I guess it was the fact that it was my day off and I was in a good mood, but also Id love to brake the atmosphere that people create on public transport. We are all in a close proximity and i feel that everyone pretends that everyone is just a empty vessel just traveling, and that up until this point nobody has lived a life, or experienced any events. I glance over to a person, and think to myself that this person has experienced moments, witnessed some of the same events I have, has stories to tell. I want to converse with them, know their tales. I know that speaking with these people will enrich my own life and help me in understanding what the world is like. Im 23, Im still confused. I have a vague idea of what the world is about, but to truly experience it, I feel I need to interact with the people on it. I dont want to travel to india or jump out of a plane, this isnt where life is for me. People interest me. People and their choices.

Crusty right knuckle

2010-02-12T07:51:00.000-08:00

The title of my post is reference to the inflammation i seem to have developed on my right hand. I choose to ignore it.

I suppose the best way to start this post is to direct you to my youtube channel.

http://www.youtube.com/user/phatbassist

Here you can view the documentary I made at university 3 years ago about a stand up comedian. I made it to try and find out the reasons why people go into stand up comedy. I am very pleased with it and it concluded in myself being intrigued into trying to convey what I thought was funny into a stage performance. So, a year after its creation I tried stand up for myself. Its called 'Gravesends son'.

Also on my channel is my performance at Decembers Comedy store gong show. The gong show audience are not there for comedy, they are there to heckle. I tried to see what I could do to play on this. I knew I had to play the line between weird and interesting very carefully. Unfortunately, the rowdy atmosphere shook me too much, and I couldnt keep my usual dead pan and calm stage persona, and I just looked nervous and desperate.

I have created a character called Ungus Peartree and have uploaded a couple of videos. Ungus is a fishmonger (like me!). Ungus hopes to give audiences better knowledge of fish and his love of fish will hopefully charm some people and sway some people into trying out more fish in their diet.

On wednesday I went to 'My first gig', a gig where the comedians talk about their first gig with the headliner being a genuine first timer. The line up was very good with toby williams aka George Ryegold, Pippa Evans, Peter Buckley Hill, Robin Ince with James Acaster and Nick Helm as joint compare. It was proof that jokes are not needed for a enjoyable comedy night, but the enjoyment of someone telling a story in a good way can be more engaging.

On the train journey home I can to the opinion that the right to have a view or opinion should be taken away from all girls aged 14-17. A group of girls were on the table diagonally opposite myself, they had just come from being in the audience for Britains got talent. As a teenager, I would have been coming home from a music concert, but I think this is dying out. Anyway, the obligatory homeless man on the train begging for money came along which prompted the conversation to go onto giving aid to Africa. One of the girls said we shouldnt give aid to Africa, because it just gets them into more debt, and then said that practically no money from Live aid went to Africa. I dont mind her having this opinion, but what frustrated me, was that when her friends viewed their opinions, she tried to backtrack and ended up totally contradicting what she initially said. Ive seen this so many times before (mostly on loose women), where a group opinion can easily sway a young women's view. At least when a young man has a moronic opinion and his mates disagree with it, he tends to blindly defend himself.

I cant find my ipod, have you seen it?

The prioritization is all wrong

2010-01-01T09:18:00.002-08:00

I sit here on my wobbly stool at my desk which is scattered with train tickets, receipts and gig tickets. I give these bits of litter far too much worth. I resent just throwing them away, because ive paid money for them, but they have served their purpose and I need to move forward and throw them away. The fact that I havent thrown them away, reflects my mood that I havent moved on in anything in my life. My comedy seems dead end, doing the same gigs with the same comedians or the same kind of comedians. In my frustration I even tried doing the Comedy stores gong show this month, something I promised myself I would never do again. Trying to win over a crowd who are not interested in comedy, but interested in heckling isnt something im proud of doing. I tried to do it in a jovial manner, not taking it seriously, but the realization that progressing at the comedy store means winning over that crowd, which is something i cant do with my style of comedy, is frustrating.

Lets talk about Christmas Number one shall we? Isnt it great? Rage against the machine got to number one. Fantastic. One up over simon cowell, right? .........

Im now going to tell you why this whole Christmas number one thing has irritated me.......

-It has highlighted this countries mentality of prioritizing the wrong things.

Simon Cowell does not care about record sales. He knows that the only money left in the music industry is through live shows and television. The publicity that the Christmas number one race only helped in generating a bigger media profile for his x factor winner. All the people thinking they were making some big protest by having Rage at number one need to stand back and ask themselves, what have they really achieved? Fuck all.

On my street only one person gets milk from the milkman, which means that at 4am I get awoken by the sound of the milkmans van coming down my street. I asked the woman why she still gets milk from the milkman and she replied that the milkman is a british institution, and that if people like her stopped getting milk from the milkman, they would die out, and this would be a travesty.

The milkman was introduced in a time when fresh milk was not able to be stored in large quantities in supermarkets. Now we have this luxury, its time to move on. Why would the disappearance of the milkman be such a disaster. Its not like they are all sent out in a field to be shot. Its the same with the mass grief of Woolworths closing down. Its a shop. Not a person. You didnt care when it was open, you shouldnt care when its closed.

These subjects just reflect the countries live for the weekend mentality and the majority of people who just save their earnings for 2 weeks in the sun to get shitfaced in a country they have no desire of learning about, but are only there because it very very hot.

I work in a supermarket. Everyone has to go to the supermarket. Its the best place to see what society is like. I can tell you, it frightens me the amount of people who dont know how to look after themselves. That dont know the basics, like cooking and cleaning. People who ask where items are in a shop. Not sections, but items. Like frozen pizza. That would be in the frozen section. Your an adult, you must be able to navigate yourself through a supermarket by now. Its all laid out nicely for you. Its not the Crystal fucking maze! Also, middle aged people asking how long to cook meat for. What have you been eating for the past 35 years? or have you had a butler cooking for you?

Im finally going to see Daniel Kitson live on the 6th of january. Yay!

Christmas Blog

2009-12-18T10:12:00.000-08:00

A whole month without a post. I must have been busy. Ill start off by informing you with what offers Morrisons had on fish.

Smoked cod. Went quite well

Plaice fillets. Didnt sell that well.

Whole seabass at £1.49 each. Sold like hot cakes!

Fresh Cod at £6 a kilo, then further to £4.34. At £6 not so much, then BAM! £4.34, get outta here!

Fresh prawns at £3.99 buy one get TWO free. This is driving me insane, as most people seem to be confused by the concept of buy one get two free.

Did downstairs at the kings head with David Trent and James Acaster. Funny guys who are always writing new material and represent the kind of comedian I strive to become. I did a whole set of new material which I was happy I tried out, but is far from complete. Needs lots of work, but the seeds are there. A woman came up to me after the gig and told me I was the best of the night, which is always nice to hear, even thoe she was wrong. Well.....comedy is subjective, but still.....wrong. The Mc Jen Brister, did a good job of trying to get the unresponsive audience to perk up. Jen is another comic who can make comedy out of momentary situations, something I'd like to learn.

Recently ive been eating allot of soup and sushi. Not together.

Mackerel is out of season

I think I will be spending New years eve at 229 in london. They are having a northern soul, ska, motown night.

Ridiculous product- http://www.amazon.co.uk/Philips-HF3330-Seasonal-Affective-Disorder/dp/B002G1Y8S6

I had an 'audition' for the big value comedy showcase which takes place in Edinburgh next august. I dont think anyone was watching the auditions, so im not holding my breath on that one, but I did enjoy the drive up to the gig with Tania Edwards and Danny Ward who are very funny, especially Danny, who is very knowledgeable about the motor ways of England.

Im so tired..

2009-11-21T10:52:00.000-08:00

Just had some monkfish for my dinner. It was my first monkfish experience. Fantastic. Meaty and very flavorsome.

Why aren't ear phones called ear speakers?

Why do they call it scratching your balls when its a pinch and a tug?

Why is it called a letter when more often than not it has more than one letter on it? shouldnt it be called many letters?

When does a dot stop being defined as a dot and is classed as a circle?

Its getting so cold in the mornings ive started wearing totes socks as outside socks.

2009-11-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

Hello kiddywinks. Been a busy time for me. First of all I feel I have to start with unpleasantness. Allot of comedians feel that it is bad form to say that they dislike another comedians act, however I feel that another comedians act has hindered me too many times that I feel that I must speak. The comedian in question is Kevin McCarron. He compere's gigs for laughing horse comedy clubs and every time I have done a gig that he has compered, he always alienates the audience and I just feel that he makes no effort to come up with new material. I did a gig with him in richmond recently which was poor attended and before it was my turn to go on, he started compering to me. So after he finished talking to me, he introduced me on, which completely ruined my opening. This isnt a malicious attack at Kevin, just a vain attempt that he reads this and contemplates his act.

I was changing my tire on my car and a policeman happened to be passing and looked in the boot of my car and saw my comedy props, which happen to be a baby doll, various fisher price toys, a toy dog and a rubber horses head. He looked at me as if i was a pedophile and like he had just uncovered his greatest criminal 'the great Croydon kiddy fiddler'. He started being very over inquisitive, not actually saying i was a pedophile, just dancing around the subject. Making comments like 'what would you think if you were me and I saw this stuff?.' It made me furious. If i was a pedophile, i wouldnt have that sort of stuff in my car, Id have stuff that a kid would actually be interested in. I was very tempted to just make no comment on it so he would take me to the station and waste his time.

The natwest cash machine swallowed my debit card on thursday night because it said my pin was incorrect. It wasnt.

Sprats are finally off sale at Morrisons. Its sardines, plaice fillets and smoked cod this week. Also, the Christmas songs started playing in Morrisons today.

Had a bit of a dilemma with my comedy writing. All my new material seems to be adding to my current set. Im not sure if I should spend the next few months adding to my current set or just bank what i already have and use the next few months to write and try out fresh material.

Sexism in todays society

2009-10-20T12:09:00.000-07:00

Nobody can deny that sexism is rife these days. As a man, I can plainly see that people can take a gender at face value and take people for granted. Yesterday, I witnessed the biggest display of sexism to date at the gym. The changing rooms had been switched around for some unknown reason, so I got to have a little view of the ladies changing rooms. Everything was pretty much the same as you would expect. However, the only difference was that they had potpourri. so it occurred to me that the staff at the gym supply and re-fill potpourri in the woman's changing rooms, but do not feel that the mens changing rooms is worthy of such a luxury. Why shouldn't us men have a changing room that smells of an autumns garden or Spring lilac. I think its typical of some peoples mentality that us men are smelly yobs that dont clean after ourselves and thought not to deserve well kept surroundings.

2009-10-18T07:06:00.000-07:00

Maybe someone at the gym reads my blog, because they have put labels on the liquid dispensers in the showers. Turns out that the green liquid is shampoo and the clear liquid is shower gel.

Last night was the final of reading new act of the year. I drove with Ian smith and Gabriel Ebulue, a journey with involved us talking about our bitterness of the circuit. We were the first to arrive and were stuck in a small staff room which had the luxuries of a shower, towels, a kettle, iron and an ironing board. All the acts performed well and I really enjoyed the night even thoe it was a competition. I tried out a new beginning which worked really well and i think it managed to hold me in memory with the judges as I was on second out of twelve. Rob Beckett deservedly got the top prize with Gabriel and myself receiving joint runner up.

Salmon is 1/3 off at Morrisons next week, so stick it in the freezer. Sprats are STILL on offer.

Im very excited about going to All Tomorrows Parties festival in May next year. It will be curated by one of my favorite bands Pavement. Im sort of glad that it is not until May, because this way i can ebb my way through the next seven months telling myself that no matter what happens, ive got All tomorrows parties to look forward to.

A true story. YES! ITS FUCKING TRUE!

2009-10-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

Allot of the time you are on stage telling a story, ive found that the audience dont tend to believe that it really happened. If I ever show my tattoos on stage, i have to make a real point to convince people they are real. But it can be ridiculous, when people dont even believe that I am from Croydon, as if Croydon has now become the generic crappy town that people use in comedy to describe a crappy town. No one actually lives there.

Im going to tell you a story and it actually happened. *(Im not going to say literately, because last night some guy told his friend to 'literately wait one second', and i hate it when people use the word literately incorrectly). I was driving in my car and at a junction, there were three 'lads' walking on the pavement. One of them thought it would be appropriate to shout out, 'Fatty!' at me. When something like this happens, you always know that these people are deeply troubled and arent worth any second thoughts, but never the less it does put a stinker on your self as-steam. I happen to be on a diet at the moment and in my car staring at me from the passengers seat like a baton of justice was a meal replacement milkshake. I turned at the mini roundabout, wound down my window opened the milkshake up and through it at the yob, covering him not only in a thick liquid, but so much irony ^Alanis Morissette should write a real song about irony about it.

Im in the final of Reading Festival new act 2009, so im going to be reviewed by Chortles Steve Bennett. Ill let you know how that pans out.

Spats have been on offer in Morrisons for about a month now, its getting ridiculous. Red gurnard was on offer last week. A very weird looking fish.

Check it out........ http://www.first-nature.com/fishes/images/aspitriglia_cuculus1.jpg

* I am fully aware that this topic has been covered by David Cross. He is a Genius.

^ I am fully aware that this topic has been covered by Ed Byrne. He is a Genius

2009-09-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

I dont think of myself as a great risk taker. At my gym, either side of the shower, are two dispensers. One has a green liquid, the other has a clear liquid. On the induction to the gym, i was not explained to what these liquids are. Im assuming one is shampoo the other conditioner. I also assume that because the green one is on the left, that this is the shampoo and the clear one is the conditioner. But these are all assumptions. Maybe the green one is a shower gel and the clear one is a shampoo. Nether the less, I use the green one first, then the clear one in blind knowledge of what either one is.

I did a comedy gig last week without using any props. It felt very relaxing and i felt very comfortable on stage. Its nice to know that I dont have to rely on them.

Sprats and sardines have been on offer at Morrisons for the 3rd week running. This is very annoying, as the mark up is not much on this fish and the effort in preparing them isnt worth the amount of money made on them. Sea bream is on offer this week at £1 each. Quite a good deal, as one usually goes for about £2.50.

Was at a housewarming party on saturday and they were playing allot of blur. It reminded me how much I miss listening to music, and how annoying it is that my external hardrive with all my lovely music is dead. I spent about three days putting hundreds of my cds on the hardrive and now its dead. I cant remember the last time I heard a new song that I thought was great Paul Gambaccini says that you can not claim that any song released in the last 5 years is great, because it hasnt had time to settle. I think the last song to be release, that I thought was nearest to being on the verge of musical perfection was 'The mariners revenge song' by the Decemberists. Its a sort of sea shanty opera, which tells a lovely story.

24% of my time has been spent unplugging and re-plugging the wireless router

2009-08-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

I feel I may have cheated you, you my blog readers, by not going into more detail about my Edinburgh trip. I didnt want to review any of the shows that i watched because some of them are of comedians that i know socially and I would feel awkward writing about them, and if i meantioned just some i enjoyed some people might wonder why i didn't mention them.

So....what did I learn from Edinburgh? Well, I didn't particularly write new material whilst i was up there, but tweaked and played with what I had written over the past year. I also, felt allot more confident with interacting with the audience and trying to riff off of them.

On the 2nd or third day the show was reviewed, here is what the lady had to say about me.....dsad

"Darren Maskell shuffles onto the stage leading a toy dog on a stick - like an extra from a television drama in which the opening scene is the out-patients ward in a psychiatric hospital. Oversized clothes, gold trainers, and a cheeky glint in his eye as he pulls out a toy accordion and begins to play, promise much - a confident comedy prankster. But the routine relies mainly on toys and other objects being randomly pulled from pockets while musing on topics such as celebrity bashing, Argos and toilet humour. 'Don't judge me', he announces at the start, before declaring toward the end 'I'll win you back'."

....erm......Right. Shall we go through this?

-'Dog on a stick' (Its actually a dog on a lead)

- the whole telly drama description is a bit much, why couldnt i just be from a real psychiatric hospital?

- She then goes on to critize my comedy because it 'relies mainly on toys and other objects being randomly pulled from pockets...' but doesnt explain why this is bad.

- 'Dont judge me' DIDNT SAY THIS

Three weeks also review the night. This is what they had to say.....

'The world's smallest carriage clock, a Daz automatic 'most meaningless' tattoo and fourteenth century philosophical concepts were highlights at the 'Daft, Red - Hot Sperm (Whales)' stand-up show. Surreal comedian Darren Maskell stole the show, using an array of props including his 'I cracked the Crystal Maze crystal', a toy dog and glitter in the air.'

Im quite happy with this one.

In other news, ive been watching big train series 1-2. Having never watched it before, I can highly recommend it to anyone who are fans of comedy's such as jaaaaaaam, monkey dust and Steve Coogan.

I stormed it at comedy Cafe on wednesday. Love that gig.

Sprats and sardines are on offer at Morrisons next week on the fish counter.

Post Edinburgh Blog

2009-08-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

In one of my posts I pondered who might read my blog. At Edinburgh, somebody told me that they did, but because they googled themselves and my blog came up. So with this in mind, I have decided to mention some people in the small chance that they might google themselves and chance upon my blog. Of course, if I was going to mention a particularly famous person, I would have to add a few more words to make my page stand out from the many sites that contain that one person, maybe some ludicrous false rumor.

Stewart Lee launches potpourri range

David Cross tickles cats

Daniel Kitson stole my Mr Frosty

Gordon Brown has the biggest collection of tamagotchis in the U.K

Efan Ekoku is currently filming a tv sitcom about being a football coach. Think, My wife and kids crossed between dream team.

I have just had a two week stint in Edinburgh, but dont really feel like boring you with allot of text talking about it. My day would normally consist of seeing a show or two, then flyer-ing for my own show, performing at my show, then seeing some more shows before ending up at a bar which would more often than not be full of people spying each other in hope that they can talk to someone who could further their career. The funniest people at Edinburgh (socially) were Mark Restuccia (STOOCH!!!!), Nick Helm, Jake Moore and the Black Museum boys.

Today whilst at a set of traffic lights, the guy in the next car asked me if i wanted to buy a plasma telly. "well cheap".

Pre Edinburgh Blog

2009-08-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

My facebook new feed has been full of comedians talking about going up to Edinburgh for the passed few days. I am also guilty of posting a few status updates that follow this theme. I can be forgiven for being a little excited as it is not only my first time as a punter, but first as performer. Im up there for 16 days and am chuffed that i managed to bag a spot on the same bill as New york comedian Lewis Schaffer. Not so chuffed that all the Daniel Kitson and Simon amstell tickets are sold out, but will try my hardest to get some whilst im up there.

Today on the tram ride home from work, I witnessed an old man in an act that both filled me with disgust and admiration for him. He noticed some graffiti written in biro on the tram wall, so repeatedly licked his thumb and tried rubbing it off. This kinda thing is what has me in two minds about the older generation. I love their sense of pride in their own surroundings, but due to their ignorance in the knowledge of hygiene, they seem to do disgusting things. Like at work, there is an old man who burps all the time. Its not just the burps that irritate me, its the fact that old man burps seem to come straight from the stomach and are full of death and gravy. Whereas young people burps are more jovial and smell of Sunny Delight.

Some of you that already know me will be aware that I have a couple of tattoos that are pretty unique. Recently, I've been having the feeling of regret at having them done. Not because I think they are stupid or poorly done. No, no, no. They are quite simply fantastic. One being the Jurassic park logo the other being the Daz automatic logo. The reason I have been having feelings of regret is because my life has now been converted to a daily routine of trying to explain the reasoning behind me getting the two tattoos. The daz logo tattoo is because my name is Darren and Daz is my nickname. Also, for me the Daz doorstep challenge is a iconic moment in 90s British television history, and when i think back to it, i cant help but smile and think of a happy period of my childhood. Tell this to someone, and they seem to think your a little touched. Yet, if i was to get my name tattooed in Japanese (a language a dont even speak), people wouldnt think twice about it. I personally think my tattoo has more personal meaning to it, and tells people more about myself and my personality.

Earlier in the blog I talked about the older generation and how they sometimes are less than great. Now I going to talk about why the younger generation are fucking cool. At work, two girls that were about 5-6 years of age saw my Jurassic park tattoo and were amazed by it. Then the next day they came in and asked for 'The Jurassic park man' and to see it again. They were in total awe of it, and i loved them for it. The awe they felt towards the logo is the reasoning behind me getting it. Not so i could impress little girls, but because when jurassic park came out, I was not allot older than those girls and therefore was the films key demographic. I was totally caught up in the whole Jurassic park worldwide mania. The merchandising and the advertising was all aimed at Darren Maskell. For me, Jurassic park is not a film. Its a period of my childhood when life told me that sometimes other humans want to share an experience with you, and when your an innocent kid, sometimes it can be magical.

Ive been neglecting my blog

2009-07-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

I thought I owed it to my fans to post another blog as its been a while. I dont know exactly who reads my blog. I do know that my friend James Barber reads it. James is probably reading this. Arent you James? Your reading this. Hello James. For people who do not know my friend James, he is my partner in crime when we go out into Croydon. We usually spend the night talking about how women are essentially shallow and dont appreciate great guys like us. As we slip into a more drunken state we end up moving from a wetherspoons to a club where we listen to very loud music that all the younger generation seem to know, but we do not recognize. We have a few in jokes such as Pendulum being the new generations version of Prodigy and point out to each other when the beat drops (it is important to wait for the beat dropping in music apparently, dont know what is suppose to happen when the beat drops, but whatever happens, you've got to wait for it). The last state of intoxication usually involves a philosophical discussion about religion and being jealous of religious peoples belief in a higher being.

I didnt get through to the semis of the so you think your funny competition. Competitions always like to play around with my head and make me bitter. I honestly dont know what they were looking for thoe. I thought my set went well, it was original, ive been told its funny, people laughed. I did however take the mickey out of Peter Kay's comedy and say Female vagina, but that shouldnt be a problem. Daniel Smith and Christina owen also didnt get through which is even more puzzling. I would regard them as new acts that would suit a new act competition, they are bloody funny, clever in their comedy and show longevity. Arrgghhh competitions suck. It has affected my comedy. Whereas at the start I was a very energetic comic, i have become more and more anti comedy and dry in my delivery. Where is the logic in that? Competitions have taught me that to progress further is to be more confident and lively on stage, yet ive slowed down my delivery and choose a style of comedy that steers away from big laughs. Im a complicated man.

Edinburgh is next month, the flyers for the show im in (Daft, Red-hot sperm (whales)) have arrived and look very cool. Looking forward to a couple of weeks of stress, fun and being silly. I think i might have my picture taken with a deep fried mars bar, but wont eat it.

I found a lottery ticket on the floor at work, but only 2 numbers came up.

Oh yeah. I had another night at the Green Dragon pub where I organized 'Daft, -red hot sperm comedy night'. It was ladies night and 8 female comics performed hosted by Steve Straw. The room was filled out nicely and the night was enjoyed by all. The challenge of coming up with a good mc-ing routine is playing on my mind. I might give it some thought.

1 year on

2009-06-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

I did a gig last night (28th June 2009) and the promoter told me that my act had totally changed since he had last seen me about 6 months ago. July 8th is the first anniversary of the first time i performed stand up comedy, so I thought I would try an account what has happened in this year.

The reason I started stand up comedy can be traced back to my final year of university. I was studying film and Directed a short documentary about an open mic comic by the name of Martin Burrows. I made the film to try and understand why he did stand up comedy. I followed him for about a year, seeing him perform at various venues and got to know Londons open mic circuit. After I had completed the documentary it was evident that Martin was told by friends and family that he was a funny guy, but found it difficult to convert that into a set that worked on stage. I was intrigued into the concept of creating a good 5 minute set of my own. Could i achieve it?

On July 8th 2008 I went along to my first Open mic night. Lions den at the Cross Kings. My set involved me nervously pacing the stage talking about using solitaire as a 'porn safety screen', british people being outraged when confectionary prices go up and my amazement on how woolworths were still in business as everyone just steals pick and mix (yeah i totally predicted their downfall), a bit about how french gcse is corrupted by the orangina company and some other stuff which i cant remember.

My next couple of sets at the lions den involved my first prop, a sky remote, a bit about the different colors of toilet paper, pret a manger christmas sandwiches, my hatred of wikipedia being used as a way of proving someone's argument, an article in the sun tabloid about 'Nazi hunters', taking a poo and its effect on a males prostate gland, buying a car and the advertising being sexist towards men and various other crap that I have also forgotten.

My four gig was the gong show at the comedy store. I naively thought that this was a new act night, but should never be performed by a newbie. I lasted 58 seconds.

In October I performed in one of the heats of the Reading Festival Open Mic competition. I was pleased with my performance up against comics I would later know from the London circuit such as Tania Edwards, Johnny Armstrong, Paul Late, Tom Goodliffe, Gwilum Argos and the legend Ben Morgan. A duo called 'No Future', Tom Goodliffe and Dave Florez progressed to the final, but I was chuffed at receiving some positive feedback from various comics so was content with that.

Comedy Cafe in October, and who should be on the bill but Martin Burrows and Paul Late. A couple of friendly faces on what I was told would be a friendly night. I did my set and won the nights competition.

Downstairs at the kings head was shortly after this and I remember it being a very strong line up. ben van der velde, adam tempest, Jimmy o'neil, joleed farah, mark cornell and liz carr. I stormed it and received my tag of 'Like an excited kid on stage' by Mark Cornell.

I think it was in January when the very generous Karen O. Novak gave me a gig at the poodle club with out ever seeing me. Also performing that night were Fergus Craig, Liz Carr, Darren Rudell and shazia mirza. I was still a little nervous on stage but felt i did myself proud.

In my laughing horse new act heat i tried a new prop involving a horses head and it has been my signature joke ever since. Never fails.

I reached the quarter finals of the laughing horse competition in April, beaten by Tom Goodliffe, who also beat me in my amused moose qualifying round. He is now my competition nemesis.

Im getting bored with writing this review of my year so i going to round it up.

In about May I started to become more dead pan in my comedy and a bit anti comedy. I once had a bit of a weird gig with Micheal Barrymoore. In June I won North essex new act of the year. I have used about 34.5 kilos of glitter and recited the toys r us theme tune 3984 times

In the year I have been doing comedy, my favorite moment came when the lovely Paul Late told me he liked my set and that he thought I was a true original. I think that is the best compliment I can receive. I liked it because Paul has good taste in comedians and truly loves being in comedy and isnt just in it for some kinda fame hungry passion. I also like it, because i think every comic wants to be original, not just funny.

Jobs are bollocks. Init

2009-06-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

I enjoy attending a music festival by the name of All Tomorrows parties. Its a lovely festival where curators pick the bands. Curators past have been Vincent Gallo (of big penis fame), Mars volta, shellac, sleater kinney and even letting the fans pick their own line up via a voting system. I have missed the last few as i havent been able to get time off work and it looks like im going to have to miss the one in december. So in a way of cheering myself, i am going to create my own fantasy ATP festival, as doing lists cheers this geek up. Ive limited myself to bands that are still together (apart from pavement because a reunion looks likely), and ive also included a comedy stage.

Shellac
Melvins
Pavement (if failing reunion, Stephen Malkmus solo)
Fuck
Les savy fav
Future of the left
Bananarama
East 17
Decemberists,
Super Furry Animals
Richard Hawley,
Archie Bronson Outfit
Andrew Bird,
Scout Niblett,
handsome family,
Modest mouse,
Jon Spencer blues explosion,
belle and sebastian,
Gossip,
Winnebago Deal,
bill ricchini
Ed Harcourt,
lightning bolt
m.i.a

copter

the music

comedy stage

daniel kitson
stewart lee
david cross
aziz ansari
adam buxton and joe Cornish (performing song wars?)
simon amstell
brian gittens
sean lock
Zach Galifianakis
Helm and taylor

Birthdays, unbirthdays and escaping from my own ways

2009-06-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

In 1987 on June 15th, it was my birthday. In 1988 on June 15th it was my Birthday. In 1989 on June 15th it was my Birthday. In 1990 on June 15th, it was my birthday. In 1991 on June the 15th, it was my birthday. In 1992 on June the 15th, it was my Birthday. In 1993 on june the 15th, it was my birthday. In 1994 on June 15th, it was my Birthday. In 1995 on June the 15th, it was my birthday. In 1996, on June the 15th, it was my Birthday. In 1998 on June the 15th, it was my birthday. The previous year of 1997, I cant remember having a birthday, it cant have been very eventful if i did have one, but im sure i must have had one. Previous birthdays had been more memorable as they had been marked by an occasion such as a party at Pizza hut with a cowboys and indians theme. However, 1997 doesnt seem to stand out. I guess it was because I was turning 11 which isnt much of a milestone, therefore no need to make much of an occasion of it. In 1999 on June 15th, it was my Birthday. During the 2000-2008 (Greatest Hits Vol.1) years on June the 15th, I had a birthday. In 2009 on June the 15th, I had a Birthday. Many people try to build up allot of excitement around a birthday and I feel left out as I never feel as if its worthy of any celebration. It makes me look like a curmudgeon most of the time. Its 3 days after my birthday and my birthday cards are still on the mantlepiece because if i dare take them down my mother would take it as an insult to the people who sent them. Be it birthday cards or christmas cards, i have a big resentment with them. The whole country does. They are a meaningless gesture of good will that we guilt each other into buying for each other, then guilt ourselves into displaying them in our homes because we feel we must give these £2 pieces of card some false worth as we feel sorry for the mug who paid money for it.

I had my heat for the 'So you think your funny' competition yesterday. Was contemplating doing a new intro, but as it was a competition thought it was best to stick to stuff i was familiar with. Felt it went well and will know if i progress in mid july. This competition is based on judge voting and is not made until all the heats are over. I feel this is the best form of judging for comedy competitions as audience voting doesnt let lonely comics with no friends like me progress.

My mother has decided to have the front garden dug up and extend the driveway. This means i have become part of the suburban middleclass who can say 'We've got workman round'.

I went to Lidl today to stock up on my tins of sardines, herring and mackerel. I was rather pleased with the way i loaded my items on the conveyer belt. Frozen and fresh items first to put them in the chill bag. Then tins for the strong bag, putting all the same tins together so the cashier can count them and just type in the amount instead of scanning each individually. Then is the softer items such as veg and bread. The cashier gave me a look which i could tell was a look of appreciation for making his job that much easier.

Man with 6 toes

2009-06-13T15:07:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17UXTFUE36M

Dedicated to Ian Smith

2009-06-12T12:21:00.000-07:00

Sunday was a gig in Reading. A charity gig at a jongleurs club. I was introduced on stage as a student, which kinda knocked me before going on. I guess the host assumed because of my youthful appearance i must have been a student. I unfortunately left one of my comedy props at the gig, however one of the comedians has it, so i shall retrieve it next time i see him.

Tuesday was Car crash at the Cross Kings, an open mic night where you can just put your name down at the door and get 5 minutes. I had my first few gigs here and it can be a good night just to socialize with other acts and try out some new material. The night is becoming more popular with new acts as the circuit is bulging with more acts coming from comedy courses, out of work actors and people just bored with their lives and desperate for an alternative to their own existence. Tonight was full of acts from the amused moose course, most doing their first gig. When new acts play these sort of gigs, its always best to be supportive although it can be tiresome watching a cluster of newbies stumbling through amateur sets. However, when it is people from comedy courses I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, they tend to be quite good, certainly better than most first timers. On the other hand, when its other peoples turn to perform, they sit there judging, and pick up on the 'faults' of the comedians.

Wednesday was a music concert. I havent been to a music concert in a long time, which is a shame because i used to frequent them allot when i was younger. I think a list is in order....

Favorite Live bands

-Lightning Bolt

-Les savy fav

- Mclusky/ Future of the left

- Fuck

-Decemberists

-Super Furry Animals

-Jon spencer blues explosion

-The gossip

The gig was Faith No More. Before the gig i was thinking to myself that the reunion had come a few years too late and that i wasnt much of a fan as i used to have been. But once the gig started and the hits were being churned out, i was grinning from ear to ear.

On the bus ride home, an man was wearing flip flops and i noticed he had 6 toes. I have a clip on my phone if you wish to see it.

Thursday was the Final of the North Essex New comedian of the year. Now........before you read on, you might think that i am slagging off another comedian. This is not a personal attack against him, but rather an annoyance I have with comedy audiences. Right...here goes. One of the acts on the night did a routine devoid of any punch-lines or what i would consider material, but got huge laughs because he was talented at accents. I was deflated and couldn't believe that the audience were unaware that his set was lacking any for of comedy writing. I came outside and was greeted by a very good act by the name of Ian Smith. He asked me how i was and i told him what i thought of the last act and he beamed with delight as he thought the exact same thing and went into a large rant about lazy comedy. Another brilliant act is Brett Sharpe who has a great routine about lazy comedy, and that night i so wish i could have gone on after the act and did Bretts routine. After the break i was first on. I did a new opening which i thought worked well and got some good laughs. I ended up winning the competition and taking home the novelty sized cheque.

Police have managed to persuade a suicidal man not to hang himself in Croydon town centre

2009-06-04T17:31:00.000-07:00

The title of this post is a quote from a news story i got online today. I actually be witness to this event, which consisted of well......read for your self

'The distressed man had what appeared to be some kind of rope around his neck with the other end tied around the sign of The Spread Eagle pub.

He was threatening to jump from the first floor window ledge and kill himself in front of a crowd of shoppers who were watching in horror.

But at around 6.10pm police managed to persuade him to leave the window ledge and come back inside the pub.

Part of the town centre was sealed off as the drama unfolded.

At one point a passer-by cruelly shouted: "Are you going to jump or not?"

My favorite post underneath the article is-

'What a selfish idiot to do that infront of children. If he wanted to commit suicide why couldnt he do it away from everyone else? Attention seeker perhaps?'

If you were an attention seeker, i dont think the kind of attention you want is to be labelled the suicidal nutter from Croydon. Its always held me back.

After a string of depressing gigs and a lull in confidence I decided to go up to crouch end and try to get on the bill at 'Downstairs at the kings head'. Ive done it twice before and done very well both times. Its a great gig and the waiting list is very long so always intend on going up and hoping for drop outs, but never get the time with work. So i tried tonight. Got there and i was 4th on the reserve. So I was not confident on my chances. However, i did get on the bill. My intention was to do new material, but i was so surprised about getting on, i wasnt really prepared, so i did old stuff and it went down great. I was offered a drink at the bar which is the 2nd time this has happened at the kings head in 3 occasions. Chuffed. So my advice to comics is if you are having a crisis of faith in your comedy, pop down to the kings head.

Another comic on the bill was David James, who ive seen once before at the Poodle Club and was runner up at this years hackney empire new act of the year. This is a guy who's writing is in a different league to most comics. He has the ability to say just 4 words and have a crowd roaring.

Never stop being a power ranger

2009-06-03T09:33:00.001-07:00

Feeling a bit bleary eyed today. Last night was heat one of the Newbury comedy festival 'You must be joking' new act of the year. Alister Greaves and I happened to catch the same train up to the gig where we met Adam Tempest. The three of us sporting vibrant shirts making us look like a holiday camp children's entertainment troop. Mark cornell and damian kingsley soon followed. Talking with the act was the only part of the evening I enjoyed, as the ever recent recognizable feeling of the audience based voting competition rained upon me. I will cut to the chase and tell you that i didnt get through to the final, and i am going to tell you that i dont beileve audience voting is a good thing, and you will probably think im being bitter. However, i am going to say that I didnt deserve to get through, not by any means. In fact, I was probably the worst of the night. I was awkward, amateurish and looked out of my depth. I was very disappointed with how I performed and can look back on the night and say i was very lazy in my preparation. The reason i dont think audience voting is good, because most audiences are not always familiar with allot of comedy, and an act that is not innovative or original can seem very experienced to the less savvy audience.

After the night was over, i was contemplating giving up comedy after my edinburgh obligations were over. When i started out, i enjoyed going to comedy nights and talking with acts, and the whole experience was exciting. Coming up with jokes and testing them out was rewarding, not a chore. The circuit seems to be over crowed with out of work actors and allot of mediocre acts who never seem to improve. An act with a confidant persona and weak material will get further than an act with good material and a lesser exuberant delivery.

Universally Challenged

2009-05-29T14:22:00.000-07:00

Hello!

Tuesday I went to Oxford with Ben Morgan and Daniel Smith to perform a set of about 80% new stuff. I was looking forward to the gig, a 10 minute set in Oxford. Should have been a nice audience of intellects who appreciate my musings. On the walk from the station to the gig i spotted 5 fast food vans. We got to the gig and we found out that we would be performing to the other comics. Oh dear. I was slotted to be first on after the break, however the mc introduced me before the break and i said i wasnt ready to go on and he argued with me onstage making me come across as being awkward, however i didnt have my props ready. I dont want to come across as bitchy or ungrateful but the night was not run very well.

So here is what went on............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEUe98kJq14

Something new for Boyce

2009-05-24T14:33:00.000-07:00

Its all been a bit hectic. On Sunday 17th i crashed my car. The airbags deployed and my glasses went flying. I sat there giggling to myself for about 30 seconds. I person from a nearby house then offered me a cup of tea, as i dont like tea i declined. However, he still made it and handed it to me. I was obligated to drink it. Being forced a cup of tea was the most traumatic experience of the crash.

That same night was the laughing horse new act of the year final. The night was filled with a bill of great acts, at a level which i realized i am far from at the moment. I still need to work on my writing at the moment. I have the seeds of good ideas, but still need to build them into a well edited structure. Sam Gore was a worthy winner, but I was disappointed Helm and Taylor didnt place. To see their performance go to the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EdrJCMbn3M

Saturday was the first 'daft-red hot sperm' comedy night at its new venue the green dragon in Croydon. This is the night i setup myself and it went very well. There was about 25 punters and the setup of the room was very nice. As i was setting up the running order, i realized that i had been a bit of a silly promoter and not really thought about my line up and just booked acts that i liked, most being pretty dead pan and i didnt have many high energy acts. However, all the acts seemed to go down well and the comics also seemed to enjoy the night.

Ive written allot of new material and intend on learning it all to try out on tuesdays gig in oxford.

North Essex's new son

2009-05-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

Thursday was my heat of The North Essex New Comedian of the year competition in Wivenhoe. I wasn't very confident in anything progressing from the night as my friend Daniel Smith was in the first heat and didnt get through, and he is actually funny, and he said one guy got through because he brought allot of the audience. I still havent achieved a sense of confidence on stage yet, and tonight it showed. I still feel like I give the audience the impression that I am inexperienced and nervous, when in-fact my pauses are in fact due to the fact that I have a terrible memory. I managed to progress to the final, so the audience must have liked something about me, and i didnt even have to bring an audience with me. In your face Daniel Smith! (Im actually very jealous of Daniel at the moment as he has bagged a gig on the same bill as Richard Herring, JAMMY GIT!)

Mk dons lost in the playoff semi final last night, which im a little sad about, although Mk Dons dont hold a place in my heart as much as Wimbledon Fc did. Football is almost dead to me since Wimbledon was no more. The players of Wimbledon such as Neil Sullivan, Dean Holdsworth, Chris Perry, Marcus Gayle and Kenny Cunningham were my earliest memory of hero's and people I idolized. I guess it moved onto musicians after that such as Blur then Bob dylan, Elliot Smith, Mclusky and Stephen Malkmus. Since ive been doing stand up comedy, ive been able to socialize with creative people, some whom I can say I do idolize. Im not going to say who they are because it is like admitting that you've wanked whilst thinking of a friend of the opposite sex.

Scarf Regrets

2009-05-08T10:31:00.000-07:00

I have something shameful to confess. I was sitting on a train and a lady got off and i notice she dropped her scarf. She wasnt sitting directly opposite me, but down the aisle and diagonal from me. For me to catch her attention, i would have had to rush up out of my seat and chase after her whilst calling for her. I decided not to. Not for being lazy, but i just didnt want to draw attention to myself. I feel selfish for what i had done, but when on public transport i am afraid my reclusive Englishness comes into play.

Last night was a comedy gig (as a spectator) at the bloomsbury theatre. Compere was Alister Barrie. Im sure if we were both on the same bill, he would get 10 times more laughs than myself, but that is because most audiences are comedy slags and laugh at lazy observations, such as the ones Barrie was churnng out. New Zealanders sound like Australians, Australians do bar work, wasnt it fun when it snowed, kids are fat, english people like being miserable. It was all very formulaic and got very tiresome.

Pete Johnansson was not a name i had heard of before and e seemed to start off with some pretty run of the mill stuff, but then had some good stuff about his balls and being attracted to jiggly women.

Simon amstell is a great story teller, and with his peter pan-esk movement on stage is very good at winning over an audience.

Stephen Merchant redeemed his set at the end with a mock drama school style play in which he poked fun at amateur dramatics.

Stewart Lee left me inspired to try harder with my own comedy. His writing is the best on the circuit and tonight he showed that no one can touch him.

Marcus Bridgestocke showed with his performance why being on mainstream television can ruin your stand up career, as you can be found to churn out the same material that has been broadcast to millions of the public. Where as Stewart lee did not use the same material, Bridgestocke showed his inability to come up with fresh material, or maybe just his laziness.

Marcus Brigstocke, Stephen Merchant, Simon Amstell and Pete Johansson compered by Alistair Barrie

Croydon is comedy

2009-05-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

The week stared with a gig at the hob in forest hill. 7 acts including Ben van der velde, Daniel smith and alex perry. All of us getting a fair amount of laughs, but a bit of a hard room. I was able to drive to this gig, which is a rarity as 99% of my gigs are up in London. However, this caused allot of stress as there was road works and my stupid sat nav kept leading me the wrong way. I parked in Sainburys car park and was confronted by the pay and display which i am always confused by as i am never sure if 'times of operation' means that you can park for free after this time.

Wednesday was Comedy cafe new act night. A very lovely night, which i was very much looking forward to doing. I was 3rd on, and had a really good response, so was optimistic about winning the night. Denis Krasnov was on last and had a belter, however Ben hayman won the night.

Friday was Lions den gong show. Lucy porter and charlie baker were doing 5 min open spots with a film crew for a pilot Charlie had written. I was first in the gong show, i think i lased about 6-7 minutes, it was a tough crowd and not many acts made it to the final. I got quite a few people coming up to me complimenting me on my set and saying they wished that they could have seen more, which is always nice to hear. Lucy Porter also complimented me and said she enjoyed my little props and reviled she is also from Croydon. Ive introduced the prop of an Argos catalogue in my set, and i can tell you, that thing is not light to carry around with.

My friend Elly showed me the new Horrors song, which sounds like echo and the bunnymen and is actually very good. This confuses me. When did hyped shoreditch bands with silly haircuts start making good music? I might have to do the ridiculous thing of listening to music before i decide if i like the band or not. MADNESS! I doubt the klaxons will follow the same trend thoe.

Swine flu.

Cheap glitter. A false economy

2009-04-26T11:36:00.001-07:00

I did Alistair Greaves's comedy lake gig on thursday. If you are a regular on the London open mic circuit, you will know Alistair as the friendliest and one of my favourite acts. He always has good advice for me and one of the reasons I love his act is that he keeps it fresh and tries new things. I did my regular skit of throwing glitter and ive reailsed that every since ive switched to using a cheaper glitter, the skit doesnt work as well. Using the better quality ultra fine glitter definatly gets a better reaction.

Tomorrow is the new act night at the hob with Daniel Smith and Wednesday is comedy cafe with Gabriel Ebulue Headlining as he won the week previously. Ive done comedy cafe once before and won the evening, so im hoping for a repeat performance.

Ive been getting some positive comments about the aftershave i am wearing. It is Ultravoilet by Paco Rabanne. I think i received it for Christmas from my mothers aunt, so top points go to her. Being a de-facto atheist im finally gaining some benefits from Jesus.

Open Mics and Competitions, the same routine.

2009-04-24T10:23:00.001-07:00

Had my haircut at mario's barber shop in Shirley this week. It has elvis memorabilia and American license plates on the wall. I am always a bit weary of a persons mental well being when they base their personality on another nationality or a famous icon. Its like saying, 'i dont have a personality and cant style myself, so ill copy someone else's. People look up to Elvis, maybe they will look up to me.'

Wednesday was my heat for the amused moose laugh off competition. Looking at the line up, i was not to please at how strong the line up was. I had a tough quarter final at the laughing horse new act competition and i thought as this was a heat i would at least be up against few more newbies. Alas no. More bad luck ensued as i was picked to go on first. A tough spot. The radio mic decided to cut out at various points of my set, but i felt i dealt with it well and managed to derive some humor from it. John Kearns managed to have a belter of a night and was my favorite of the evening which made him feel better about not doing so well at the fix gig i saw him perform at recently. Tom Goodliffe had a good line about maths and brodrick chow got intio his stride when talking about an author he hated.

4 acts were put through on the night, Joel Dommett and John Kearns were 2 of the deserving winners. The other 2 i hadnt see before and wouldnt have been my personal choice but thats the way competitions roll my friend.

Ive been eating allot of seafood sticks recently. I was always put off by them as my father told me they were just the processed fish entrails mushed together. I think its a typical British thing be purposely ignorant about what you are eating, as long as it tastes good. Macdonalds went way off base after the documentary 'supersize me' came out. They were afraid that people would think more about their health, when in fact the only thing British people were thinking was 'why don we get supersizes?' and 'Americans get way more for their money'. Macdonalds introduced salads and baguettes. You dont walk into macdonalds to get a salad or a baguette You walk into macdonalds because its 2am, your pissed and you've only got enough money for the happy meal and not quite sure if hey are allowed to sell it to someone of your age.

If they were to actually introduce identity cards, i think that maybe a good idea would to make it into a sort of oyster card, and have a certain number of credits on it for each person. Every time you went into fast food restaurant, you would have to swipe your card and this would limit the amount of fast food people have. This is one of hundreds of ideas i have on a daily basis that seems simple, but implementing would probably be very difficult.

Alwight?......Well...no, evidently he is not.

2009-04-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

Tuesday night I was booked to perform at party piece in stoke newington. When I got there, only a few of the acts had arrived and there was no audience. I waited around till 8.15 and thought id cut my losses and leave as it look as if was going to be pulled. So the journey wasnt a complete loss, i decided to head down to kings cross for the lions den car crash and do a set there. When i arrived Denis Krasnov was finishing up his set so i was franticly trying to get throught the door when Tim Rendle the promoter then asked me if i had heard who the special guest was tonight. It happened to be Michael Barrymore.

When Barrymore got on stage he would ask the audience their name and make sheep noises and generally sucked what life there was in the room. He was going nowhere with whatever he was doing, he brought me on stage and went through the routine of asking me questions and I basically just gave him the impression of 'where are you going with this?'

So that was that.

Thursday, I had a good gig at downstairs at kings head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kzltS9-GMM

I am Darren Maskell, let me judge you

2009-04-11T11:03:00.000-07:00

Ive just sneezed about 5 times, my eyes have started to water and my nose is blocked. In the last 20 seconds, i have devolped a cold.

Last night was another comedy gig without me performing. It was the semi final of the laughing horse new act of the year and i was along to support Daniel Smith and Joel Domment. I didnt fully enjoy the night as the competition element of the night made me feel like i was judging everybody. It made me feel like a comedy snob and i resented some comics when they got big laughs for jokes that I didnt find funny or thought were lazy or obvious. Daniel and Joel did very well and even thoe i consider Daniel a good friend, i honestly thought he was the best of the night and was disheartened that he didnt progress to the final. I enjoyed the set from robin Buckland and hope to see him around on the circuit.

I did plan on going to the semi final tonight to support some other acts, but the night made me feel a bit down and i dont think i could take another night of judgmentle thoughts.

Looking like a Comic

2009-04-06T16:43:00.000-07:00

Today I continued in my path of going and watching more live comedy without performing. It was the fix magazines Stephen Carlin project at the Wilmington arms which I chose as the line up looked most promising. I walked in to be greeted by the Mc Andrew O'neil who shook my hand thinking I was a performer. Ive never met Andrew before, so he doesnt know I dabble in stand up comedy, so why did he assume I was a comic? Do I give off a stereotypical comic presence? Anyway, Andrew did a great job of mc-ing the night and having not seen him before, would defiantly go and see him perform again.

First on was Will Andrews who's performance was impressive, and it shows that this comic has been around for a number of years. No doubt he will be making impressions soon.

John Kearns proved that even with strong material, sometimes you just cant win the audience over. John wasnt as established as the other acts tonight, and maybe felt a little out of his depth tonight.

Next on was Nick Helm (you lucky people!). Before the gig, Nick was wondering what material to do, and i suggested a routine of his I personally enjoyed. Nick was storming the gig and half way through he started doing the routine that I suggested. It then dawned on me that if it feel flat then i would be responsible for ruining what was a flawless gig. But of course the crowd roared with laughter and Nick had a belter.

Stephen Merchant of Office fame was the last act of the first half. Making reference to his height and talking about chatting up women he was pretty solid.

The second half was kicked off with James Acaster to whom i have much time for as he is both funny and friendly. James has a slight speech impediment when talking as does Carl Donnelly which i think warms them to audiences.

I hadnt seen George Ryegold before, but heard the name many a time. He did not disappoint. Not one line fell flat, and as i dont normally like humor that pokes fun at others appearances was surprised to be enjoying his set.

Richard Sandling closed the night and i can imagine Richard as a great mc, but not sure what a full set of his would be like as allot of his stories contain references that not audiences will get which can be risky.

Dilution day

2009-04-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

Sunny day in London and Darren is found in a windowless room downstairs in a walkabout bar. Today I bobbed along to one of the qualifying rounds of the amused moose laugh off competition. Not knowing what to expect from a gig scheduled for 12-5.15 I was pleased to be greeted with some friendly faces such as Joel Dommett, Shane Healy and Denis Krasnov. The organiser told us that the qualifying round was a kind of x factor audition to see if any of us had 'star potiential', and to only do a strict 2 minutes which should involve out best opener, what we consider to be our best material and best closing. This left me feeling a little deflated as i have spent allot of time perfecting my set and constructing it into how i think it works best. I died a little as I hacked and slashed at my set in order to present it in a media friendly sized nugget.

Competitions do not encourage creative acts to progress. Not that im an innovative comic, but i dont feel as thoe i can be with restrictions like that.

All the acts did well, my favorite being Denis Krasnov of course.

To piss or not to piss ones self

2009-03-31T17:02:00.000-07:00

I was deliberating wether to bob along to Tom Webbs Party Piece gig in Stoke Newington to try out some new material all day today. I decided that if a certain item arrived in the post from ebay, which i planned on using in my routine, i would go. I arrived home from work to find said item had arrived and so fate was sending me to the gig. Stoke newington is not an easy gig to get to for me, from London Bridge it is a long bus journey and I always seem to be waiting for the bus for ages. However, this bus journey I was presented with a dilemma. I REALLY needed to take a piss. Did i say on the bus and risk wetting myself or do i get off, go in a pub to relieve myself then wait for another bus. I gave in and got off at liverpool street. The whole situation just made me feel angry at myself as i felt i was a prisoner of my own body and that i didnt have control over myself. At any one time my body could determine my path and say, 'you must obey me'.

In short, did gig, went well, fell asleep on train

First blog of many

2009-03-30T15:52:00.000-07:00

I sit here in my room, which is in what what i like to call organized mess, surrounded by travel-cards from the many comedy gigs i trek to, opened jiffy bags from the various crap i buy on ebay and 5 bottles of half empty aftershave bottles which are given to me each Christmas and i never can use up by the time Christmas comes round again so am stuck in an endless trap which will end up in me having to make an aftershave rack (in the vain of a spice rack) in order to keep the never-ending supply of aftershaves I sparsely use. My room is not typical of one you would expect a 22 year old male to have. Being decorated by my late grandmother i have not yet changed the design. No avant-garde music or film posters on the walls, just floral designs and tassels on the curtains. Where as most rooms men my age smell of musty lynx, mine has the faint smell of potpourri.

I looked at my calender recently and noticed that I didnt have many comedy gigs booked up, so popped along to a comedy gig just to watch. It was so nice to sit and enjoy comedy without the stress i always put my self through before performing. So this month I am going to go to comedy gigs just to watch, and the few gigs i do have are the lovely comedy Cafe and Downstairs at kings head.